Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
