I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
