I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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