It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
