Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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