I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
sex in a hospital.. check
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
