if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
