Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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