there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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