So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize