I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
