I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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