I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
