maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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