My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
