she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
