Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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