Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I can't turn off my feet"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize