it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
