We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
