I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
