There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
