my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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