why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
