just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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