So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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