I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
