you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
