I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
