I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
