You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
