was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
