I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
