my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Everyone says I win the strip club
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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