Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
