I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
