I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
