I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
