Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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