I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
