dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
