I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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