I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
