Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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