i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
