Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
