so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
