I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
