I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
