News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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