Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
