winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
