I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
