I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
not ubering you a puppy
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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