I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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