meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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