Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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