I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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