I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
