it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he fucked my hip out of place.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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