I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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