I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
