Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
