i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
