No stitches, just platelets and will power
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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