We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
