hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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