Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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