i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
