I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
