Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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