I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
