He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
